In and Out

or introspection needs catharsis.

Over the last 2 days I've had to admit much to myself. Problem is, I don't like admitting these things to anyone else. This also happens to be part of my convulted circle of problems which I was trying to struggle through.

For as long as I can remember having self-directed conversations in my head, I have never really let it out (except for one really bad moment which shudders in my memory when it all just came out). Not in vocalised speech anyway. From my observations of people I know, everyone has someone they can let things out too. I have not known such a person. Or at least trusted someone enough to engage with in such a way. My language development was delayed some bit due to an ear infection stuffing up my hearing for a time. There was being at the speech pathologists for a while (I still remember the corridor I would walk along at the old Children's Hospital site in Alexandria), there was the special class at Riley Street infants. There's me still being fairly unable to communicate with my father, and the distinct lack of trust I have of entrusting the things in my heart to my mother, brother and sister. I don't know how I developed the fear of failure, the fear of shame that cloaks my every move, that shadows my every thought, that lurks beneath every word I utter. I know only that encouragement is the only thing that can bring me back. And words of encouragement seem to be few and far between these days, especially when self-loathing and guilt runs rampant. More than anything else right now, I want someone to be behind me. I know in my mind that the Lord is with me, and his love is never-failing, that there is now no condemnation in Christ Jesus, that to him I entrust all these things. In a human respect, however, its been a hard slog, and every train ride in I'm never sure how much more I can take. Their is a struggle in me to trust God more, to know that his Word and his Spirit is enough, when all I wish and ask for is more grace, for someone to help me.