"Urge to kill ...."

Its been a much more pleasant week this week. A few outstanding and very annoying clients are being satiated, leaving me with a slew of other problems, which although more manageable, are otherwise also annoying. At some of these don't involve the client ....

I've found my various psychoses are getting a bit more variable. This could be to do with my time by myself over the last few weeks. It could be to do with the stress I had to overcome in that time. My calmer side is matched by an insistent angrier side which hardly comes out but is generally locked up within me unless you provoke me enough (don't ever do that unless you are a licenced practising mental health professional). The catharsis this blog provides has been of great help in managing the many thoughts and issues which I really just need to let out and let go. But still, self managed catharsis can't heal all wounds.

I tend to think I'm at war with myself sometimes. Most of the time, I am in control. Nothing is getting under my skin, all is cool. But when the heat turns up, and my head starts processing the other ways I could have handled the situation, or when the guilt kicks in, or when the suppressed anger of many years begins to surface, it gets painful up here. Sometimes, I need to let go with fists, and I wish dearly for a punching bag. I manage by using a memory-level keyword that often snaps me back - 'transform mode, engage'. A bygone from my Transformers era. But I know I can't hold this back forever. Its going to come out, sooner or later. And I'm either going to hurt someone or break down in tears, or both. Most often, whispers of the latent anger appear as marginal thoughts that I otherwise wouldn't think. Until I resolve this, I am not going to be anywhere near a complete man. I think I really need that punching bag.